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Sunday, 17 December 2017

My thoughts on pregnancy...

Back in April when we first found out we were expecting, I couldn't believe it. In fact I refused to believe it until we saw our little bundle wriggling around at our 10 week scan. The relief to know that I wasn't just making it up and I hadn't just caught a sickness bug was truly overwhelming. Fast forward two more weeks when we had our 12 week scan.
It was very surreal that this little baby was developing well within me and would be making an appearance in December all going well.

I also kept thinking who was this little person to be? Were they male or female? What kind of personality would they have? Who would they look like the most? I did a lot of thinking...

I haven't had the easiest of pregnancies, working full-time through the most horrendous morning sickness (who coined 'morning sickness' anyway?). It felt like I was waking up with the world's worst hangover every day - sickness, fatigue, headache etc you name it, hello first trimester! For a long time there wasn't anything to indicate that this was a good thing to be happening, in fact, I struggled for a long time even saying 'I'm pregnant'.

Roll onto the second trimester...
This is the time where I had a couple of weeks where I actually felt good and enjoyed seeing all the little changes that were happening. Then wham... I caught whooping cough. I wouldn't wish this on anyone, two courses of anti-biotics, an inhaler and being signed off work for a week just wouldn't budge it. In the end my doctor said to me "it's known as the 100 day cough" great...
I was very happy to have made it to the school summer holidays and really rested over the 5 weeks, plus doing lots of decorating which made me incredibly happy - nesting happened early for me!

Finally I made it to the third trimester. I have been religious about applying stretch mark cream and body butters since finding out I was expecting (nope, still can't say I'm pregnant?!). We were on our lovely babymoon for me to discover some rather flattering stretch marks - cue the crying!

I never expected me to have these reactions throughout my pregnancy. The way I thought about things and how I viewed myself really shocked me. I've never been a person to worry about 'body image' but all of a sudden, this is all I could (and can) think about. To be honest, I have really struggled with my body's changes and I am already worrying about what 'after baby' is going to look like.

Now I am on maternity leave, it feels like I have lost apart of my identity. Plus on a more selfish note, it feels as if I am missing out. I saw videos of my little class singing their hearts out during their Christmas Nativity play and I just felt so emotional. My job is my passion too - I love my job... I mean how many people can say that? It's not until recently that I've realised just how much I love my job. People keep saying that "when you have your baby you wont even think of work" which maybe true, but this is how I feel.

Reading back through this post, it comes across quite 'moany' and I have even thought about deleting this post. But I think we are surrounded by fairy tales and made to feel like we should be embracing every part of pregnancy. Don't get me wrong, this has been an experience and I have enjoyed certain parts of it. With less than a week to go until she's due, I am very much looking forward to meeting this little one now.


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